


Fallout

by orphan_account



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Gen, M/M, Post-Episode: s02e18 Awake Arise Or Be Forever Fallen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-08-06
Packaged: 2018-12-12 01:35:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11726769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "He feels his heart break in a million pieces, yet he is unable do anything. Doesn't know how to make it better, or how to get his love back, or how to fix his mistake."





	Fallout

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, please forgive the mistakes you'll find as this fic is unbeta'd. This is the first Malec I've written and also, and I'm writing after a very, very long time.

“I love you too”, Magnus says. And just for a second, Alec hopes everything will be fine. That Magnus will forgive him, like he always does. In that moment, Alec promises himself to do better, put more effort in their relationship and show Magnus how much he means to him, put him before everything else… the institute, the clave, his duty as a shadowhunter, it all means nothing if he fails the one man who has loved him despite all his flaws.

“But as a leader, there are difficult decisions I have to make to ensure the survival of my people… And the only thing holding me back from doing that, is you.” Alec feels the words clutch at his heart and crush it. His throat tightens, all breath leaving his lungs.

“No. no”. No. His eyes sting and he blinks. 

“I can’t have both”. Alec can hear the way Magnus’s voice breaks as he says this.

“Yes, you can, _we_ can. We… Magnus, we can figure this out”. Alec cries, desperately grasping Magnus’s hand. 

“You once asked me what I was afraid of. It’s this.” Even as he tries to break away, Magnus’s hurting just as much as him, and Alec can see that in the brown eyes shining with unshed tears. Alec tries catching his eyes as he attempts to say something, anything to make it better, holding Magnus’s hands in his own as tightly as he can. Tries to understand what Magnus just implied even as he feels the rush of blood through his ears. Magnus sighs and takes his hand away from Alec’s, but Alec can still feel his touch. He can’t let go. He isn’t ready to let go. 

Alec had once thought that the fear he had felt the day Valentine activated the soul sword and killed all those downworlders was the worst he could ever feel. He was wrong. It’s nothing compared to what he’s feeling as he watches the man he loves walk away from him, and it’s all his fault. He’s afraid, terrified. His world just shattered to pieces and he can’t do anything. Doesn’t know how to fix this. 

He feels frozen, yet he’s screaming inside. He has so much to say, _please don’t do this, I love you more than anything else, I promise I’ll never lie to you again, I’ll do better I swear, don’t leave me, I need you_. But his voice has left him, his throat hurts so much it bleeds inside. His chest feels tight and his vision is blurry. He sniffs, blinking to keep his eyes from stinging so much. He wants to shout at Magnus’s back, it’s not fair! Alec wants to run to him and hold him and feel his arms around him once again. He wants to reassure him, calm him and love him. He wants nothing more than to never let him go.

Alec’s knees tremble as the elevator doors close and Magnus looks at him one last time. He opens his mouth but no words come out. Magnus is hurting too. Alec can see it in his eyes. But Alec has hurt his lover too many times with his secrets and his lies. He has hurt him just by being who he is. Alec’s stomach churns and his strength gives away till he can’t even stand anymore. He staggers, holding himself against the wall. It hurts to breathe and the pain in his heart intensifies so much he grabs his chest. He feels weak, numb, a dull ache settling all over his body. He doesn’t want to believe that it’s over. That the best thing that has ever happened to him, and has been the catalyst to many good changes in his life is gone. Perhaps, he doesn’t deserve anything good? How can he? He has never been remarkable, never done anything to earn better things in his life. He’s not the best shadowhunter. He’s not as strong as Jace. He’s not as kind as Izzy. He’s not as smart as Max. He’s not as beautiful as Magnus. Yet, Magnus had loved him. And Alec has destroyed what they had. 

He hears someone calling his name, he thinks it’s Izzy. “Give me a minute” he doesn’t know how his voice manages to be steady even as he breaks into a million pieces inside. He hears footsteps retreating and a door close in the distance. Probably not Izzy then, she would have pushed and Alec is grateful… he is already hanging by the threads and he knows it. 

He takes a deep breath through his mouth and exhales. He brings his hands to his face, not surprised to find it wet. He has to gather all the fragments of his being and face his family. He can’t let them see him break in the middle of a war. He has to be brave. He is not brave. Not when the man who had helped push his boundaries has left him. Not when the man who had become his home is gone. 

Alec pulls up fragile walls around his devastated heart, hides behind the stoic façade and false bravado that had been his saving grace before he found love. Before Magnus. He used to be able push his emotions so far in the back, he couldn’t feel them. That’s not an option he has anymore. Magnus made him feel in a way no one else had. Now he’s a mess of emotions which he has to curb to be able to fucking stand on his own feet. Once he’s able to, he turns towards the medical wing. Alec is a soldier. He always has been. And a soldier lives to die in a battle. There’s nothing else he can wish for.


End file.
